The Barney Files
by Coyofox SchiZm
Summary: Explores the world behind one of the most disturbing and provocative childrens show icons in a rather "uncensored" and humorous type of viewpoint. This story is not for the faint of heart, or the easily offended.... mean, it IS Rated M...duh...


**The Barney Files**

**_Warning: This Story contains scenes of violence. I don't know how much......but a lot. Also, there is a lot of cursing, such as "shit" and "fuck" and "Rosie O' Donnel". _**

**_Scenes of sexual content are prevalent within this fiction, including your mom......._**

**_ You have been warned.....  
_**

Chapter Won and 2 Fourths….

[_**The Stoner**_]

It was a typical day for one of the most disturbing children's icons of America, as Barney the purple fucking dinosaur waddled down the street he lived on (seriously, who the fuck makes a dinosaur purple and puts him in a show surrounded by little kids who don't know the meaning of the word "weirdo/ pervert/sideshow/fornicating freakazoidus"? Obviously some weird old lady…) which was profoundly named Loopy Fruit Road.

Barney chuckled as he walked through his front yard, passing his gold-plated statue of Richard Simmons along the way, which loomed ominously over his polka-dotted lawn. He always wondered why even crows would not perch upon its head.

"Ha….still think that was the best $800 I ever spent," he said to himself as he walked up his steps, which were smeared with unspeakable fluids, mostly urine and blood from kids who had barely managed to break into Barney's house. Barney opened his door slowly, peeking through the crack, before screaming at the top of his lungs.

"HONEY! I'M HOME YOU BITCH!!" Suddenly, there came a giggly voice. "Well, let throw some clothes on honey, you don't want me coming out and people seeing me nude do you?" said a voice from the bedroom. "I don't give a fuck if a smurf sees you licking your own toxic sludge-filled armpits!!" he screamed. Suddenly, BJ, the yellow triceratops freak walked into the living room where Barney was flipping through the pages of some magazine called PlayDoe. "Oh…yeah…….lick that pussy…….oh….right between those furry legs….oh fuck yeah!!!!! Gosh, deer porn is the best! In fact almost hit one of those fuckers on the way home. Should have kept him to play with too!!" he screamed. BJ looked over at Barney oddly. "But, honey, you don't even have a car!" he said.

Barney looked up into BJ's immense plastic eyes, seeing no life, but a lot of retardedness. "Shut the fuck up bitch! Who told you to fucking talk. Suck my dick now bitch!" he screamed. BJ bent down and Barney shoved his dick in BJ's mouth. "I was just kidding stupidfuck!" laughed Barney, who punched BJ away. "I don't care!" said BJ, but walked into the kitchen to make some strawberry terdshakes. "Gosh, why'd I ever think that BJ would make a good girlfriend, or boyfriend, or whatever the fuck he is. Fucking Baby Bob! She's a god damn hermaphrodite and she gets more dick than me! Fuck!!!!!" he screamed and the tv broke all over the floor. "BJ!!!Get your white dinosaur bitch-ass in here this instant mister!!!" roared Barney.

Bj sauntered in, a look of fear across his face, and a terd falling out of his ass. "Look what you did you fucking ass raping donkey molesting corkfucker rooster bitch!" said Barney, pointing toward the Tv. "B….But…Bu….I…I……didn't do anything!" said BJ. "I don't give a fuck, shove your dick in that tv!!!!!Now!!!!" screamed Barney. BJ did what Barney said. Barney walked over to the tv switch, a weird smile spreading across his face. BJ looked like he was about to cry, his eyes super-huge. Barney flipped the switch, and what followed was a series of screams and shouts you probably could never imagine. After it was all over, Barney stood over BJ menacingly, laughing maniacally all the while. "hahahahahah…….your dick is gone!" screamed Barney, and then BJ looked between his legs and screamed. Yellow blood squirted from the wound there, until the floor was covered in yellow slime. "And don't make me even tell you what you have to clean up next!" said Barney………..

Chapter Too and ¼

[_**The Studio**_**]**

Barney awoke in his bed, realizing he had had a bad dream, as his blankets were covered with green sweat, until he realized it was really just his cum."Oh man, that was one fucked up dream!" he screamed. "God damnit! I gotta take a shit bigger than Jay Leno's chin!" he screamed, and waddled to the bathroom. He looked down at his toilet, which looked like a giant T-rex asshole, and sat down until he was comfortable. After he shit out the Titanic and at least 4 of the Seven Wonders of the World, he reached for his toilet paper, which was green and purple, and had the Barney and Friends logo splashed across it. He thought it had been a good marketing ploy, although the only person known to have ever bought a roll was Michael Jackson.

Barney finished wiping his giant T-rex ass and then jumped into his shower. "Ahhh god! You piece of shit plumbing, Fucking plumber. God damnit! I'm going to fucking eat that motherfucker next time he shows up at my house!" he screamed. Finally, the shower head showed signs of working as clumps of Tofu-flavored Jell-O squirted out and Barney wiped them all over his body. "A healthy body is a clean body, and what better way to do that than with Tofu!" cried Barney, singing his favorite song while he washed, which was "AGFLY" from the Land Before Time: The Fate Valley Adventure soundtrack. Barney finally finished his shower, cleaning all the tofu-Jell-O out of the drain once he was done. Barney didn't have to worry about putting clothes on, cause he went everywhere naked, although no one really seemed to mind it, unlike George Bush when he had a hangover from drinking too many Brisk Iced Tea's. Barney waddled out of his house, the sun shining down upon his fat, squalid body, a purple haze settling over the grass wherever he walked. He passed his Richard Simmons statue and smiled, flicking a booger on top of its head, which was covered with bird shit. Barney finally reached his old piece-of-shit Chevy Cavalier, and tore open the rusty door, almost gagging on the smell which rolled out. "Oh man! Must have left that fucking condom in there! God damnit Baby Bob!" screamed Barney, jumping into his vehicle and starting the engine.

He drove down the road and then parked in his slot at Kiddierape Studios, which was covered with green and purple paint. Barney mumbled under his breath, growling all the while as he slammed his car door, put on his glasses, and walked swiftly into the door to the studios, the parking lot seeming unusually eerie that morning. He pushed open the revolving glass doors, which worked about as well as Rosie O' Donnel and Brianna Banks in a porno together. 'Huh…surprised studio can afford a door _that_ nice," mumbled Barney as he neared the registration desk. The receptionist, Brenda, smiled up at Barney as he waited patiently to get his studio pass.

"Oh….hey Barney. Rough night, huh?" she asked, her brunette hair shining with otherworldy luster, and her deep amber eyes flashing with supernatural life. "Yeah, got my dick stuck in the toilet again, but what else is new?" shrugged Barney, tilting his glasses some. Brenda just smiled. "Yeah, well your going to get your ass sucked out one of these days.." she said, handing Barney his studio pass. Barney just smiled and walked back through the building, passing through about 20 double doors before he got to the camera room. A bearded guy was siting on a stool in a dark room, surrounded by about 40 cameras, and was itching his ass. He suddenly jumped and pulled his hand out of his pants when he saw Barney emerge into the room.

"Owww…..thanks a lot asshole! My hand tore a hole in my ass!" said the camera guy. "Shut the fuck up and stop itching your ass, John!" said Barney. "What kind of little fuckers do we have with us today?" said Barney, reaching for a lighter and firing up a joint bigger than his hand, leaning against a post adjacent the curtain to stage. John leaned back in his chair, taking a sip from his Vault drink which had been sitting in the studio for the past 8 months. "Oh…all kinds of little shits and bastards. One little fucker tore another kids fucking ballsac off and had to be taken down with about 20 tranqs. Other kid went to the hospital…..heheheh…..looks like he won't be having any shitheads like himself ever!" said John. Barney rolled his eyes and sighed. "What the fuck! Well…..at least it wasn't as bad as that time that little blond-headed shithead kicked BJ in the nuts and he had to be taken to get castrated. Remember all that fucking paperwork I had to do?" said Barney, and John nodded his head knowingly. "Yeah…I remember." He said. Barney took a few more puffs of his joint, and growled. "Fucking BJ. That dumbass couldn't go to the show for about 2 days. Hurt our ratings some, so we beat the shit out of him and then threw him into the Plainfield Maximum Security for a few hours. Ha…..he couldn't walk straight for a month. The kids thought he was pretending to be a duck!" Screamed Barney.

John suddenly cocked his head and listened. "Well….looks like everything's set. Good luck on the stage," said John. "Ahhh…god damnit! Why the fuck can't I get a fucking break!" said Barney, as he prepared to go on stage. "Little fuckers, maybe I should shove one of their heads up another kids ass, ha…..that would be something," he said, putting on his smiley face, and then he headed for the stage of nightmares…..

Chapter Thri and 6 teenths

[_**The Stage**_]

Barney tried his best to act all excited as he bumbled onto the stage, a great blinding light coming down from the studio ceiling. He looked around at his weird playset, complete with slides and playground and all the stupid stuff a kid could dream of. But then his eyes set upon the kids themselves, and his thoughts turned lachrymose. "Ahhhh…..fuck this…" muttered Barney, smiling his biggest dumbest smile he could.

"Well, hello kids! Are you all my special friend?" asked Barney, in his familiar dumb voice. The kids cried out in unison, as if robots. "Yes!" they screamed, and then marched around Barney in a great circle, as if readying for a molestation party. "That's stupendous! I really am glad we are friends. I am also your special friend, and I love you!" said Barney. The kids cried out, "We love you too Barney," in a retarded tone. Barney bounced around the stage, the kids following everything he did. "I have an idea!" said Barney. "Let's talk about bullies!" and he put on a rather sad face. "Bullies are people who force you to do things you don't like, or try to control you in ways you do not accept. Do any of you have bullies who beat the crap out of you?" asked Barney in a loving tone.

A little redheaded girl stood up. "Ahh….geez, why the fuck did they let Annie in here?" muttered Barney. "I have a bully at my school." She said, her eyes turning fearful. "Whenever I go to the bathroom she always throws me in the stall and shoves my head in the toilet, and when I'm in class she pulls down my pants and everyone laughs at my small wiener." She said, and looked like she was about to cry. Barney smiled down at her. "Well…..that person needs to……wait…….what did you say you had?" said Barney, his eyes turning big and a puzzled look on his face. He decided it wasn't important and continued. "Well….I guess you're made fun of cause you're too stupid to think of anything to do to the bully, so you deserve to have your wiener made fun of." Said Barney, smiling.

A little blonde headed boy stood up. "Barney, people at school don't like me very much, and sometimes they bully me. Why?" he asked, waiting patiently for an answer. Barney looked at him, a loving look on his face. "That's because you look like a nazi, Thomas. Anyone else?" he asked, searching the eager crowd in front of him. A black haired girl stood up, her hand raised high in the air. "Yes, Lucy" he said. Lucy lowered her hand and spoke, "Barney, I bully kids at my school. I shove their lunches down their pants and up their ass. I throw kids around by their pubic hairs and laugh. I kick the teachers in the balls. What do I do?" she asked. Barney thought long an hard. "Get mental health care, Lucy. Now, let's play a fun game!" said Barney, and all the kids started screaming and laughing, like they were going to watch Jeff Gordon die in a fiery blaze.

Gritting his teeth, Barney swayed in a few circles and performed a few odd dances that he had tried to suppress over the years but to no avail, the proportionate majority of children watching his show having took a rather disturbing liking to the purple shit's antics. All in all, Barney couldn't complain. The benefits had been more than enough to appease Barney's rather mediocre appetite for the less-than-normal status between Children's television star and reluctant hippie-icon status for the 90's. However, only the private aspects were the ones taken for granted. At least, that's what Barney had thought.........


End file.
